Happiness is a strange thing.
Being sad, angry and bitter is easy. Being happy takes effort, but it's always worth it.
As a young child, my understanding of happiness was that it was people's "default" emotion. Everyone was automatically happy, and outside forces acting on people caused them to be sad, angry, frustrated, stressed, etc.
I began to better understand the degree to which others also have problems with happiness and the pursuit thereof once I reached high school and my emotions became more complicated (re: my depression became more pronounced). Another experience that gave me insight into how complicated happiness can be was seeing the appropriately-named film, "Happiness" when I was 15 or 16. ... At that point I was looking to study film in college, and would often watch any arthouse movie that I could find available on YouTube. Anything by Todd Solondz was required viewing for me.
But perhaps nothing has been a better teaching tool for me on the subject of happiness than depression.
Depression is also a strange thing. It differs from person to person.
In high school I would often feel sad for no reason. It was really frustrating, especially considering my preconceived notions of happiness, sadness and emotions in general. Nothing in my life was necessarily happening to make me so sad. I had friends. I held leadership positions at school. My parents were still together. By all accounts, I *should* have been happy. But for some reason, I wasn't.
My most clear memory of this weird feeling is my junior year band banquet. The banquet was always a huge deal, and practically a second prom. My freshman and sophomore years I was beyond excited.
But my junior year was different. As the days led up to that year's band banquet, I found myself being completely neutral and unexcited about it. I remember not really caring what I wore or how I looked -- a huge turnaround from the previous two years.
I remember telling a counselor a little over a year later, "I don't know why I was so sad. I knew that I was supposed to be happy."
I went through the motions. I threw on an old dress and faked happiness through the whole thing. There are pictures of me from that night smiling and laughing -- all fake.
Being sad is one thing, but feigning happiness while still being sad can be completely exhausting. I went home that night and felt that something inside me was broken. While I was glad that I could keep up a "normal" appearance to those around me, I was sad and confused as to why I couldn't get my true, inner emotions to match. I didn't want to fake it.
I didn't know it at the time, but I had major depressive disorder that wouldn't be diagnosed until just over a year later.
Anyway, here's where I'm getting at with this story -- I know what it's like to be sad and feel like you don't have a choice in the matter. To want to be happy, but not be able to feel it. To have to fake it.
Through the help of medicine and counseling, I feel like I have a choice in my emotions now. I have the ability to be truly happy. Now that I can experience happiness, I wouldn't ever choose to revert back to being sad.
I could go on about how much SSRIs and counseling have helped me, and about how mental health is just as important as physical health, but perhaps that will be for another post.
The happiest people I know aren't happy because of outside forces. They choose happiness. It comes from within.
That being said, it seems the unhappiest people I know choose to only focus on the bad aspects of life. They treat happiness as something that happens to them. They don't realize that they could maybe be happier if they change their perspectives.
It's also important to note that people should validate their honest emotions. Don't fake happy -- I've been there. Cry if you're sad. Talk it out if you're angry and/or frustrated.
But I don't think people should want to stay in those low emotions. There's a difference between recognizing your sadness and wallowing in negativity, refusing to come out of it.
Remaining happy, thankful and hopeful in trying times and, indeed, everyday life is one of the most admirable qualities in a person. It's something we should all aspire to.
To quote Marcel the Shell: "You know why I smile a lot? Because it's worth it."
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