It's rant time again.
Our society is really, really good at sending out a clusterf*ck of a message about people's bodies. Women generally try to be thin, men generally try to be ripped.
I see images like this one and hear people screaming "love your body." I fear that too much of this message can lead to people becoming content with being unhealthy. While social movements like Dove's "real beauty" campaign have good intentions, if I'm being totally, 100% honest, these messages kind of irk me after a while.
On the other end, I see infomercials for P90X and Insanity, championing a sleek and toned body with, like, .1% body fat. That's just not realistic. Too often, the ideal body type is one that is unattainable.
Comedian Amy Schumer (my favorite) recently tweeted that she's a "proud size 6" - I'm a size 6, sometimes a 4, depending on where I'm shopping ... and I don't see this as something I necessarily need to be "proud" of.
I don't have an athlete's body. Most people don't. It's not something I'm ashamed of, but it's also not something that I feel I need to be especially proud of.
LOOK AT ME EVERYBODY, I'M WEARING A BIKINI AND I DON'T HAVE A SIX PACK! YOU SHOULD ALL BE SO PROUD OF ME LOOK AT HOW BRAAAAAVE I AM!
I'm sick of it.
I don't think I've ever met another woman who was not critical of her body. Not one. Even women who probably weighed a bit less than me and had bodies that I would consider ideal.
I haven't had many conversations with men on this topic, but I'm sure the outcome would be similar.
What prompted me to write this post is that I've been dealing with something recently: a warped body image. This has been an issue of mine for a while (since I was about 12, I guess), but it's really come to the forefront and slapped me in my face in the past couple weeks.
I've made a recent endeavor to build my professional wardrobe, since my most often worn look is just jeans, a T-shirt and sneakers. I'm legally a grown-ass woman, I guess I should start dressing like one, too. I prefer to do most of my clothes shopping online, but I've also made a few purchases in stores.
I have, several times now, bought clothes that are too big for me. I mean, way too big for me. Clothes too big to wear anywhere without it being obvious. Clothes that are baggy and look like they're about to fall off. Hell, with pants and skirts, sometimes they literally are about to fall off. I've done this both online (where it's more understandable, since you can't actually try the clothes on) and in stores, which really boggles my mind.
After doing this about five times, I had to straight up admit something to myself: I am buying clothes that are too big for me because I think I'm bigger than I actually am. I have a warped body image.
Another relevant thing that happened in the past month is that I received a ton of hand-me-down clothes from my boyfriend's sister. She had a baby a few months ago and has been ridding her closet of some pre-pregnancy clothes. She was kind enough to give me three, super-full trash bags worth of blouses, sweaters, skirts, pants, jackets, et. al.
I tried on every single article of clothing. As I did so, I got nervous. I would look at the sizes - small, extra small, 2, 4 - and cringe. I would think, "There's no way I can fit into these. She must think I'm smaller than I actually am."
A good 90%, if not more, of the clothes fit.
So much of it is just psychosomatic.
I'm tired of having such anxiety about whether clothes will fit. If I try on an article of clothing and it's too small, it should be no big deal.
What am I so afraid of? What's the worst that could happen if a certain article of clothing doesn't fit me?
I went to see a doctor this morning. I have a BMI of 21 and "excellent" blood pressure numbers (according to the nurse). As long as I have the doctor's OK, then whether I can fit into a size 0 should be inconsequential.
Should be. Should be. Should be.
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